Finding myself with a few hours to kill on a Friday night, I reminisced into the pages of an old no longer updated blog I used to write from about 4 years ago.  I had no idea how entertaining and captivating it would be to dive into the mind of a former self.  I was surprised at how much I had changed in such a relatively short time period.  I'm not going to bore you with all the changes, but the main one that really stuck with me was the large number of friends I had back then as compared to the very few I have now.  I guess having friends in itself isn't a character trait, but it certainly takes things like personality, loyalty, and getting over the initial stigma holding you back to put yourself out there and make friends. 

So I started to wonder...why was it that I was so successful in the past in my friend making endeavors as compared to now?  First off, I was in an environment that forced human contact: a college dormitory.  I'm a pretty random person and love getting to know different people, so I made the most random friendships back then from the stoner hippies to the hardcore Christians to the popular kids who party 24/7.  It was easy to put myself out there and I definitely made the effort.  Unfortunately, those friendships are no longer there, and I feel like I've failed in that aspect of my life. 

Now, I'm still in grad school, but I rarely spend time on campus except to go to class and maybe run to the library.  "My" time is spent at my apartment with only two roommates (they are dating, making me the 3rd wheel) versus a building full of people my age. Nowadays, I'm not big into going out to bars or clubs or really anywhere except 6pm dinners with the roommates on the weekends.  The roommates are the same way, so we kind of vegetate in this state of complacency together and live boring lives filled with movies, 10pm bedtimes and Chinese food.  I'm really glad I'm moving out of my apartment so I'm forced to put myself out there.  I think people like me become stagnant if they don't force themselves to change.  We've got to keep our feet moving or else we'll get stuck in a rut. 

Let me frame this next section by saying that I'm all for personal accountability in any situation in my life.  However, when I started dating my girlfriend, we became "that couple."  You know, the couple that stays to themselves and makes rare appearances at social gatherings.  I even told myself repeatedly that I did NOT want to be that couple.  But dating was new to me, and I really liked this girl, so I wanted to put all my effort into our relationship.  As a result, I became what I didn't want to become.  I started ignoring the phone calls and flaking out on friends in order to spend valuable time with my long-distance girlfriend.  Little did I know that after 3ish years of dating, one of the main reasons we broke up was due to having hardly any other friends.  How's that for coming full circle? 

So after a couple years, the friends stop caring and they assume you just don't give a shit about the friendship.  We got into this self-destructive little circle of having absolutely NOTHING to do on a given evening because the people we used to hang out with had moved on or had no interest in doing stuff with us since we had flaked out on them in the past.  Our Achilles heel was our reliance on the other person to make the decisions.  She's not very proactive and neither am I.  So as a result, plans don't really get made and complacency ensues.  To make a long story short, she's basically frustrated with her life and she "lost that lovin' feeling" for me.  Like I said before, I seemed like a different person back then.  That fun-loving, risk-taking, adventurous guy she fell in love with isn't really a core part of who I am anymore.  I'm big on studying, getting my work done, and then kicking back and relaxing in front of a good book or movie in my free time.  Was I deceptive in "reeling her in" and then reverting back to my complacent ways, or were we just doomed from the start?  Maybe it's no one's fault.  Maybe I truly was a different person back then and was in fact being real with her, but we both just changed over time and grew apart.  I still love her, but I will admit it's been extremely difficult making it work.

So now I'm kind of at a crossroads in my life.  I can try to put myself out there to try and make new friendships, but I don't really know the best method to go about doing this.  I find that when I actually do take a risk and put myself out there, I really do enjoy myself after the fact and end up having a good time, I just need that initial push. 

About a month ago, my long-distance girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me.  This was made all the more frustrating to me by her reasoning.  She told me she just didn't have feelings for me like she used to, and that her once deep love for me was no longer there.  But at the same time, she told me she was open to the idea of getting back together again if those feelings returned.  I'm feeling helpless stewing in my own brew of inaction. While I shouldn't be mad at her for losing her feelings for me, I can't help but wonder what the best course of action is since, although we're both 22, I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.  Do I:

a) Continue to pursue her.  Try talking her up on the phone/instant messaging.  If she seems OK with this, push for visiting her on weekends, drop subtle and not so subtle hints that while her feelings are gone, mine are still there for her.

b) Leave her alone.  The approach I'm currently taking.  Let her figure out her life and what she wants out of it, and maybe down the road her feelings may or may not return.  But the decision is ultimately hers, so just play the waiting game.  In the meantime, continue to wonder what will come out of all this at the expense of feeling that lonely emptiness in your stomach.

c) A hybrid of the two.  Keep communication limited, showing that you are still interested in her life, but aren't going to go out of your way to pursue her.  Making the decision still ultimately hers, but most likely a waiting game ensues.

d) Throw caution to the wind, cut off communication with her, and move on with my life.  After all, she was the first "real" girlfriend I've ever had, so how can I be so sure that this person is the one that is best for me to spend the rest of my life with if I don't know who else is out there?  All that is likely to come is more heartbreak on my part, so move on and don't look back. 

Obama - I didn't vote for the guy, I really wanted to, but there's just too much I disagree with that he stands for that prevented me from checking the box next to his name.  If you're interested, the details of why may deserve another post, but I will say for now that I think our country is in a dire time right now, and it's going to take more than one person to get us out of the mess we've created for ourselves.  Most of my friends are either graduating college now or have recently graduated within the past year, and we are having a heck of a time trying to find jobs.  I was one of the lucky ones who found a job in these tumultous times because the degree I received (Accountancy) is still in strong demand.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same for many of my other friends in Business school.  The marketing/advertising crowd is especially getting hit pretty hard since businesses are cutting their costs to stay afloat.  I have a friend who recently graduated and has been looking for a full-time job now in advertising for 9 months, but with no luck.  My father is in the media industry and it seems like they just keep cutting back and cutting back.  Severance packages were being given out like candy for those willing to take them, but now they are just straight up laying off people.  He is not far off from retirement and you'd be hard pressed to find an employer looking to hire an older guy retiring in a few years. 

We absolutely need stricter regulations on how certain businesses (banks & loan companies!!) operate.  In the early '90s, regulation was passed in Congress to allow these companies to legally give out loans to people who in all likelihood weren't going to be able to realistically make their house payments.  Hot shot financial representatives being paid on commission for the loans they gave out saw this as a loophole to take advantage of and make an easy buck, and here we are today, swimming in our own pile of s***.  What we do need is strong leadership at the top levels that can create smart decision making processes in order to implement a solid plan to get our country back on its feet.  Only time will tell whether or not he prevails, and although I didn't vote for Obama, I'm definitely rooting for him.